Welp, I weighed in at 144.2 this morning – BMI 23.6. I am not pleased about this. My diet, even on days that I have “heavy” days, is not excessive or overindulgent. It is also not too low in calories – I had to make myself eat something last night, even though I wasn’t hungry, because I tallied up my calories for the day and I was only at 800. I exercise 3 times a week, I don’t overexercise, but I don’t half-ass it. I am, frankly, frustrated.
Last September, following about a decade of moderate to severe depression and mild to moderate anxiety, I decided to try antidepressants. They made me feel flat – sure, the lows weren’t as low, but the highs weren’t as high, either. It did next to nothing for my anxiety. And the icing on the cake? I started putting on weight. I gained between 10 and 15 pounds without any significant change in diet. Nonetheless, I figured that I just needed to exercise more. I began doing intense elliptical sessions, between 4 and 7 days a week, for either 45 or 90 minutes. I continued gaining weight. And it wasn’t the kind of weight gain where I was building muscle mass so my clothes fit better but I just weighed more – no, my clothes all still didn’t fit, and I was also still getting fatter.
This was a problem. I am highly sensitive about my weight, and gradually my depression began to return, because I found myself unable to come to terms with being heavier. That’s not me. I consulted Dr. Google and found tons of anecdotal accounts of uncontrollable weight gain on the brand of antidepressant I was on, with statements that it suppressed thyroid functioning or interfered with insulin regulation or this and that. The point was, people on it got fatter. And the people who got off of it had an uphill battle trying to spark their metabolism back into working the way it once did. Generally, the consensus was that it took as long they had been on the antidepressants to lose the weight once they were off the antidepressants.
If that’s the case, I’ve got a while to go. I officially fully weaned myself off the antidepressants a month ago, after a long, slow taper. So maybe I need to resign myself to 11 months of dieting and exercising before I reach my goal weight. I sure hope not.
The last day of week 3 has left me considering redoing the week. It might be me being intimidated by the jump to five minutes of running next week, but I consistently look at the clock halfway through the 3 minute run, and I’m not feeling super solid overall. Maybe I’ll give it a try, and if I belly-flop, I’ll repeat week 3.
Switching my route has done wonders for me, though today there were two dogs loose. One of them was aggressive, making it fortunate that I came upon them while walking, and although the other one (the larger one) seemed friendly, I paused the C25K app and walked a little longer so I wouldn’t burst out into running right after I got a few feet from it.
Tough question, when points are in the balance.
As it turns out, my tolerance to antihistamines (benadryl) works in about the same way my tolerance to almost every other OTC and prescription medication works – initially it works in full effect, the next day it works about half that, and the next day about half that, if I am taking the same amount each time. Day one on Benadryl worked fantastic – I was in bed by 10 or so, woke up feeling groggy but not unreasonably so, everything was perfect. Day two I had more trouble going to sleep – it took me until 11:30 to even think about going to bed, but I foolishly thought that I might be tired enough to go to sleep naturally (I was exhausted at 4 and had my normal climb of energy back to peak levels by 10) so I started in on the Benadryl late. Last night? Utter fail. I tried to go to bed at 11. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 2:30 a.m., so I assume I fell asleep relatively soon after that, though I woke up frequently between then and 8:30, when I officially got out of bed.
So I don’t know where that leaves me.
In the interest of transparency and, you know, being honest with a blog that is read by almost nobody who knows who I am, so who am I afraid of letting down besides myself, I’ll share some musings I was having with a friend just now.
Saving between 11 and 18 points for beer every night is ridiculous. Ridiculous! I could be eating that. I have sleep problems, and I prefer alcohol over antihistamines because antihistamines hit me hard and leave me drowsy for hours after waking. Nonetheless, I’m going to give it a trial run and see how it works out. In the same vein, this blog will now feature every caloric thing that goes into my body – I drink either water or diet soda on a daily basis, so with alcohol now excluded from my diet, what you see is what I get. 🙂