disappointing weigh in and my thoughts

Welp, I weighed in at 144.2 this morning – BMI 23.6. I am not pleased about this. My diet, even on days that I have “heavy” days, is not excessive or overindulgent. It is also not too low in calories – I had to make myself eat something last night, even though I wasn’t hungry, because I tallied up my calories for the day and I was only at 800. I exercise 3 times a week, I don’t overexercise, but I don’t half-ass it. I am, frankly, frustrated.

Last September, following about a decade of moderate to severe depression and mild to moderate anxiety, I decided to try antidepressants. They made me feel flat – sure, the lows weren’t as low, but the highs weren’t as high, either. It did next to nothing for my anxiety. And the icing on the cake? I started putting on weight. I gained between 10 and 15 pounds without any significant change in diet. Nonetheless, I figured that I just needed to exercise more. I began doing intense elliptical sessions, between 4 and 7 days a week, for either 45 or 90 minutes. I continued gaining weight. And it wasn’t the kind of weight gain where I was building muscle mass so my clothes fit better but I just weighed more – no, my clothes all still didn’t fit, and I was also still getting fatter.

This was a problem. I am highly sensitive about my weight, and gradually my depression began to return, because I found myself unable to come to terms with being heavier. That’s not me. I consulted Dr. Google and found tons of anecdotal accounts of uncontrollable weight gain on the brand of antidepressant I was on, with statements that it suppressed thyroid functioning or interfered with insulin regulation or this and that. The point was, people on it got fatter. And the people who got off of it had an uphill battle trying to spark their metabolism back into working the way it once did. Generally, the consensus was that it took as long they had been on the antidepressants to lose the weight once they were off the antidepressants.

If that’s the case, I’ve got a while to go. I officially fully weaned myself off the antidepressants a month ago, after a long, slow taper. So maybe I need to resign myself to 11 months of dieting and exercising before I reach my goal weight. I sure hope not.


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